Tee Talk

This morning I cried out to God on my drive to work. I felt defeated and uncertain about His plans for my life. I kept asking Him why He gave me this kind of heart. A heart that forgives so easily.

All my life I have surrounded myself with people who have caused me pain. Yet somehow I always find myself forgiving them and allowing space for them in my life again. Friends who stabbed me in the back. Exes who abused me. Even my own father who took my innocence when I was just a child.

And still I forgave.

I let them back in because I hate holding grudges. I hate being angry with people. In my mind I live in a world of sunflowers and roses where things can be fixed and people can change.

So when someone hurts me, instead of allowing them to carry the weight of what they did, I try to fix the pain they caused. Somehow in my mind I stop being the victim and start believing that it is my responsibility to repair what they broke.

And I hate it.

I hate that I allow people to play the victim in storms they created. I hate that I struggle to leave people in the holes they dig for themselves. I hate that I choose other people’s happiness over my own because deep down I am afraid of losing people and being alone.

Today I asked God why He made me like this. Why He gave me such a forgiving heart in a world where people take advantage of it.

But I am starting to realize something.

Forgiveness does not mean people deserve access to me.

I can forgive someone and still walk away. I can let go of anger without letting someone back into my life. Protecting my peace does not make me cold. It means I am finally learning to love myself too.

And maybe that is the lesson God has been trying to teach me all along.

Love ya, BYE. ☮️